Archive for Parent Blogs
The Secret of Your Kid’s Success
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Vincent Van Gogh once remarked, “Great things are done not by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together.” There is perhaps no one who could have made a more profound and appropriate statement. Each of Van Gogh’s heralded masterpieces was born not of a single act or impression, but from hundreds of seemingly insignificant brush strokes. Hours, days and sometimes weeks would run together as blank canvass gradually evolved into eye-popping splendor.
Whatever challenge lies before your child right now, whatever dream they have yet to achieve, remind them that it will not be accomplished in a single climax of effort, exuberance or fortune. It will be achieved by a logical and deliberate application of forethought, technique, and commitment.
Take the time to identify the many small acts that will bring about their success. Help them blur their vision of that main goal, as hard as that often is, and focus intently on mastering the small independent constituents of success. Whether in art, sports, academics or business, the most successful amongst us are those who have become adept as this practice.
It can be very tempting to focus on the finish line, especially for kids. But in most cases, we can’t get there without focusing on the process instead. -Author’s Note
Are they starting a new sports season? Are they heading back to school? Are they saving for a toy or building a new relationship? Whatever their endeavor, help them pursue it with the dogged and deliberate premeditation that it deserves. You are never too young, too old, or too successful to apply this principal. Make today the day that they start on their new masterpiece; one brilliant brush stroke at a time.
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Growing Up Too Soon
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The Big Girl Chair
This guest post is authored by Sue Major, a mother of four from New Jersey.
The other day I was in Costco when I happened upon a young mom and her daughter “Sarah” who was about three years old and Sarah’s baby brother. Sarah clearly had about the same patience level for the Costco shopping experience that I do. I was about one aisle away from throwing the same tantrum Sarah was throwing. Sarah’s mom in an effort to diffuse the situation said “Sarah if you promise to be good I’ll let you come over here and sit in this big girl chair” Well Sarah lit up like fireworks on the Fourth of July. All was now peaceful in the outdoor furniture section. Normally I would have thought the whole thing was kind of cute but something struck a nerve with me.
As adults we know that spending time in the big girl chair is not all it’s cracked up to be but when we have our first child we can’t wait until they crawl, then we can’t wait until they walk and talk, we can’t wait until they read and we work really hard to get them to all these milestones as quickly as possible because well, it’s exciting and amazing to watch these little wonders grow and change. I did this myself with my first and I realize now I was very different with my youngest. I wanted to keep her a baby for as long as I could. I didn’t care when she walked or talked. I knew she was fine and would learn all these things when she was ready. I let her get messy and be a baby for as long a she wanted. I rewarded her with toys and trips to petting zoos instead of trips to the mall for big girl dresses and shoes.
As they have both grown into teenagers there is a tremendous difference in them today. My oldest while always a quick learner, honor student and fashion diva was very quick to want to experiment in the big girl world. She was always pushing to do the next grown up independent activity…unfortunately that included drinking alcohol. The thing about the big girl chair is that when you get in it before you’re ready there is a risk of getting badly hurt when you try to get off it and mommy isn’t there to catch you before you fall. My older daughter who learned so much so fast fell hard out of that chair… all the way into an emergency room being treated for alcohol poisoning…twice. Most of the big boys and girls she plays with have suffered the same fates, hospitals, trouble with police, the schools etc.
My younger daughter has chosen to still take refuge in the rewards of playing games. She loses herself in soccer and is still happy to be rewarded with trips for ice cream. Most of the time she wears soccer shorts and t-shirts. She has chosen so far not to get in the big girl chair with alcohol even though many of her friends have. There is a struggle inside her though, I know it’s not easy. I can see it. She wants to grow up but she knows some things are still out of her comfort zone. She’s moody and self conscious about her clothes and hair when she’s with her big girl friends. I’ve seen her happiest when she’s giggling with her friends who share her desire to stay little for a while longer. There’s no drama with them. It’s a safe haven and I have vowed to do whatever it takes to encourage that and never say “grow up” when she’s being a brat. She’s acting her age and I try not to forget that because it’s important.
I’m not saying that birth order determines underage drinking. There are so many factors and circumstances and one size does not fit all. I’m just saying maybe offering them the big girl chair is not the best reward.
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Loving Your Addicted Child
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(This is a Guest Post by Cathy Taughinbaugh of Treatment Talk.org)
Love recognizes no barriers, it jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope. ~ Maya Angelou
Everyday I think about the people I love. I’ve been thinking about all of us who love an addict.
For all parents, our innocent babies were brought into this world with the sweet smells of a new life. We saw our children through each stage of their development, and provided opportunities to our new family member. We were there, in the cheering section, encouraging our children on as they matured and flourished.
We noticed their strengths and thought about what might be possible for their future. The idea that our children would grow up to be addicted to alcohol or drugs was not part of anyone’s plan.
Most children go on to lead rewarding lives. They excel in school, or do well enough. They find their passions and follow their dreams.
Cathy Taughinbaugh is a former teacher and mother of a crystal meth addict who has been in recovery for over 5 years. She writes on addiction, recovery and treatment at Treatment Talk.org.
For some, addiction gets in the way and sends them down a detour on the road to a successful life. Most find it challenging, if not extremely difficult to get their lives back on track.
We parents are left living a life that we never expected, nor one that we had planned for. The pain, and the emotional exhaustion is not what we thought parenthood would bring.
Many of our children have or will find their way to recovery, and become better people. As parents we also need to get our lives back, and let our child find their own way. The disease takes its toll on everyone involved, but as time goes on we hopefully will all find recovery.
The journey back requires hard work, discipline, focus and honest desire. The addicted ones may stumble and fall, but the strong find their way. They may go on to serve others with addiction, or they may just get on with their life. Either way, they never forget where they have been.
I believe people in recovery from any addiction appreciate every aspect of their new life, as it has not been easy. Life is not taken for granted. It has been a struggle.
To those addicts in the family, especially when they are our children, we love you, we always have, and we always will. We may have let each other down at times, and our hearts may have been broken. None of our lives will ever be the same. This may not be the life we expected, but this is the life we have, and we have learned to embrace it.
Each day we want to remind ourselves to cherish our loved ones, and love them unconditionally. We won’t enable those with the disease of addiction, but we will not forget all they have to offer either.
No matter what the circumstances, there is always hope.
• Hope that our addicted child will recover.
• Hope that they will reach their potential.
• Hope that they will live their best life.
My wish for all of us is that our journey brings us to recovery, to serenity, to peace of mind.
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Learn About Teen Medicine Abuse
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Hello MpoweredParent Readers,
My name is Christy Crandell. I am a mother of two and I have been a member of the Five Moms campaign to stop cough medicine abuse for more than three years. I am thankful for the opportunity to write to you all today and tell you the story about why I became a drug awareness advocate.
When my son, Ryan, was 18-years-old, he was arrested for armed robbery while high on over-the-counter cough medicine. Shocked doesn’t even begin to describe how my husband and I felt after his arrest – although there were warning signs, Ryan had a huge heart and I never thought something like this would happen in my family. I joined the Five Moms campaign to show parents across the country that it’s never okay to think “not my kid.” I want parents to understand that this type of denial can lead to tragedy, and that cough medicine abuse has real, life-altering consequences. While I am proud of the efforts we have made to stop this dangerous trend, our job is far from over.
Recently the National Institute on Drug Abuse released the results of this year’s Monitoring the Future study; regarding the practice of over-the-counter cough medicine abuse, the study notes that annual prevalence rates remain at 5 percent of teens. This isn’t a large number, but in our mind, it’s still too many. It’s a call to action among parents and community members to get together and help bring this number down to zero. More parents and teachers need to be made aware of this trend.
Thank you for making a difference!
Make a difference to protect your teens by joining us on Facebook and encouraging your friends to do so, too!
There is also a variety of information and resources about medicine abuse and how to prevent it.
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Desire: Your Secret Weapon Against Drugs
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In a recent guest post published on Vanessa VanPetten’s, RadicalParenting.com, I discussed what is undoubtedly the single most important factor in the prevention of teen substance abuse. Ironically, it is factor commonly overlooked by parents, until of course it’s too late.
The desire to be sober, is a virtual inoculation against drug and alcohol abuse. If sobriety has been incorporated into a child’s belief system, the otherwise powerful allures of advertising, curiosity and social pressure become irrelevant.
If you think that your child holds these views already, it’s time to look again. Today, only half of 10th graders, and less than 60% of 8th graders, believe that weekly binge drinking is risky behavior. What’s more, 80% of these kids say that alcohol is easy to get. That means that one out of every two teenagers today, walks around with the means and mentality to have more than 5 drinks per sitting, once or twice every weekend. (1)
It’s no wonder parents lament over the seeming impotence of traditional preventative techniques. We set clear expectations, we enforce rules, we educate, and we minimize opportunity. But once our kids immerse themselves in the energetic and versatile teen social realm, we all but throw our hands up in desperation. Our influence weakens. External social pressure strengthens. Much of their time is unsupervised and many of their friends are already making mistakes. Faced with an impossible challenge, some parents openly accept substance abuse, and hope instead that their kids will just be “careful” with it.
But no parent should have to fear this loss of control. Imagine if things were simpler. Imagine if these external influences didn’t matter. Imagine if you didn’t have to worry about loosing control, because your child had clearly taken control. It’s true that some kids adamantly believe in sobriety. Some kids hold strongly negative views regarding substance abuse, and make the firm and conscious choice to stay clean. These kids are impervious to the temptation and pressure that others succumb to.
I was one of these kids, and since my tween years I have interviewed and associated with hundreds of others who held similar dispositions. None of these people are prohibitionists, social misfits, or boring doo-gooders. They obeyed the law. They believed the warnings. And they chose responsibility. There are many ways for you to help your child grow into this disposition, but you can’t wait for them to be a teen. It’s just too late. The adds, the commercials, the reality TV shows, and the people at your parties, are creating your child’s belief system. Your job is to counteract all of that influence.
As the barrage of external stimuli forces its way into your child’s consciousness, it must be tempered by the character of your positive imagery. Never assure yourself by saying, “My child knows what is wrong”. Of course they do! But knowing is not believing. Your kids have surely proven this proverb often enough already. Now that we acknowledge it again, take this impetus to foster their belief. Build their character from the inside out, and insulate your awesome kid against the horrors of substance abuse.
For more on this subject, view the original post on RadicalParenting.com. Or visit the Prevention Made Simple page on this site. Click here for more posts by Timothy Shoemaker.
There is a never-ending supply of human tragedy, suffering and regret associated with underage drinking and substance abuse. If you need facts, visit our Underage Drinking page. If you need today’s relevant news stories, visit our Talking Points page.
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My Son Smokes Pot
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Sue Maloy is a mother of three, from a middle class suburban town in California. In her self published book, “The Day I Told My Mom I Smoke Pot,” she reveals the devastation that befell her family after her teenage son became addicted to marijuana. Each of her kids experimented with alcohol and drugs while transitioning through adolescence, but lightning struck with her third child, leveling a toll that no family should be forced to bear. This riveting story will pull at the heartstrings of any parent, and weigh the shoulders of any teen that may be considering a similar form of experimentation. Every person who reads this book will relate to something in their own lives…
Sue recently wrote to us with a brief message for our readers. We will be interviewing her in an upcoming post for the website, and wanted to offer you a chance to submit your own questions to her. Comment to this post, message us on facebook, or email the editorial staff at editor@mpoweredparent.com. We’ll be happy to add your question to the interview.
A message from Sue:
My name is Sue Maloy I am the Author of “The Day I Told My Mom I Smoke Pot”. The title of the book came from a paper my son wrote in his freshman English class. The book touches on many subjects ranging from marijuana, meth, cocaine, alcohol, older siblings and their influence, pre marital sex, rehabs, family intervention, parenting, blame, suicide and the main subject of addiction. It is hard to this day to accept that my son is a drug addict. He never wanted to be a drug addict and writing the book helped me to understand how things got so bad.
Through my writing, I was able to see how much I enabled him to use drugs. I am not an expert on any of the subject matters. I am just a mom who tells the story of what happened. I wrote to help me get through some tough times. I self published the book to share with the world the story of how a healthy, happy, teenager just wanting to be cool, experimented with drugs and found he could not stop using drugs.
For many years he never felt he was an addict. He would say that he could stop using when ever he wanted. We as a family never really understood what addiction truly meant. I remember he said the first time he felt a craving for the high was after he had an operation on his ankle. I think he was 14-15 years old.
The book is very easy to read. I am not a professional writer and did the best with what I could afford to pay for publishing. My hopes in publishing the book was that teens would read it and just have a better understanding of what a parent is thinking and that we as parents can only guide you that you must take responsibility for the decisions you make in life. For parents, old and young, who read the book I would hope that they could see from my mistakes that trying to control and protect our kids can go too far. That we need to let them take responsibility for the decisions they make in life. Hopefully older siblings who read the book would see that your younger brothers and sisters look up to you and want to be like you.
I would hope my book brings more awareness to a family, and in school, or churches to make it a priority to talk with teens about addiction, not just about drugs and alcohol. If you have addictions in your family history, talk to your children about them. Let them be aware that it runs in your family and talk about it and read about it so you can educate them a little better so they have the upper hand if they ever begin to feel a dependency to drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, shopping, spending, what ever the addiction may be.
Give us a question to ask Sue in our upcoming interview. Just post a comment below.
If you can’t wait for our interview, you can purchase the book directly from Sue’s Website.
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Parents Report on What They’ve Learned
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This month, we used our facebook and twitter page to ask parents about the most important things that they’ve learned via parenthood. Here are the responses so far:
This segment is ongoing. To submit your input, either visit the facebook page, send an email to editor@mpoweredparent.com, or comment at the bottom of this page. If you’d like, we’ll publish your picture along with your comment.
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MpoweredParent User: Ksmaj17 posted to comment box
I’ve learned 1) You never stop learning. 2) The circumstances change constantly and you have to be ready to adapt to any situation. 3) Every kid that gets thrown in your path deserves the best shot you’ve got at saving them if they’re on a downward spiral. 4) ”Children bloom where they’re planted” and 5) You’re going to make mistakes sometimes it doesn’t mean you failed it means you just received the gift of experience and you’ve been entrusted to use it to teach others.
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Marybea, a mother of seven, from Guerneville California writes:
Posted via facebook
“Not enough probably, but they are wonderful. -MOM”
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Jennifer, mother of two, from New Jersey
Posted via facebook
The most important thing I have learned is to love with all my heart and soul. To love like I have never loved before:)
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Matthew Stillwater, father from New Jersey
Posted via facebook
I’ve learned that I knew nothing of patience, little of life and not nearly enough about love before I became a father. From first steps, to first words, of manners and temperance, through sickness, anger and elation, I’ve tried to teach my kids the best way I know how. More recently I’ve realized that I was the one being taught.
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MpoweredParent User: Grandma2Kayla posted to comment box
Live what u teach (don’t smoke, etc). Encourage them to volunteer and to see you volunteer. Make sure the kids have a safe place to “hang out”. Be friends with their friends-it’s amazing how their friends pick up on what bad stuff your kids are doing (and you are missing). As their true friends they will give you a “heads up”. Take a mental health day once in awhile. You’d be surprised at what’s been going on under your nose. It’s okay to be a busybody-you’re their loving parent. It’s also okay that your teenagers say you are the worst parent in the world. In their 20’s and 30’s you suddenly become their best friend. Words are nice but actions DO speak louder.
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Debbie Pokornik, mother of two from Winnepeg, posted via facebook
I think one of most important things I’ve learned is that just because you have “power” when your kids are small, doesn’t mean you should always use it to get your way. Use it to build mutual respect instead and life will be happier (especially when your kids become teens). Find Debbie at empoweringnrg.com.
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James Allsion, father from Georgia, posted via facebook
“If I had it to do all over again, what would I change?? Sometimes during lifes journey, we look back and think about this question. Many times, we would have a list of things that we might change. But, did you ever think that the life that you are living today, might be one of the things that you would have changed. Remember, our children tend to follow our footsteps. So, lets be proud of where our pathway leads. May God Bless.”
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Prom Lessons Learned the Easy Way
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Prom night can be one of the most magical nights in your teen’s life…it can also be the most tragic! I was one of those who made all the wrong decisions, and got away with it. This prom season, there will be plenty of kids who aren’t that lucky. Let’s make sure that your’s isn’t one of them.
I know from my own experience, Prom weekend can be very dangerous. When I went to the prom I didn’t have anything to drink before the dance, but after the dance I was pulled over and had my car searched. I had seven bags of marijuana hidden in a hollowed out deodorant bottle in the trunk. Luckily the police didn’t find anything, and off we went. But my weekend wasn’t over…
Michelle is a recovering alcoholic from New Jersey, with aspirations of becoming a substance abuse counselor. With three years sober, and a bright future before her, she looks back on her own mistakes as an opportunity to help others. You can leave Michelle a message by commenting in the boxes below.
There is a lot of planning that goes on for Prom night; the dress, tux, hair, nails and shoes. But for many kids, there is also planning for the Pre-Party, the After Party and Prom Weekend Get-away. A lot of teens will drink before Prom even starts. They could all meet up at a friends house for some “pictures”, and down a few drinks while they’re at it. Some parents either supply alcohol for the gathering, or simply look the other way. Some teens will rent a limo to take them to and from Prom. Most limo drivers work for tips, and are all too happy to buy the booze. With having a limo to drive them, kids feel it is ok to drink since they are not driving. What they don’t think about is how they are going to get home after the limo drops them off at the after party. And by then, they’re usually not thinking too straight.
During Prom, some teens will bring alcohol into the dance with teachers unaware. Others load up on high potency liquor just before going in. After Prom there is usually another party to go to, where there is a lot of drinking. And then it is off to the shore, or at least that’s where I went…
During the weekend I would call to check in with my father in the morning, let him know I was ok, and then proceed to get as high and drunk as I could. I left the shore Monday morning, drank and got high before I left, and went straight to school. I thought it was cool at the time, but looking back on it now and being sober now, I realize how lucky I was not to be one of those that never comes home from prom. Far too many kids wont be that lucky this year.
There are some things parents can do to prepare for Prom night:
The first advice I have is to know your teen’s plan. Where are they going? Where are they going to stay? Who is driving?
If there’s a limo service, call or meet the driver to find out what their rules are for alcohol in the car.
Talk to the school, and other parents. Find out who will be chaperoning. Maybe volunteer as a chaperone yourself.
Take an inventory of the alcohol in your home and secure it if needed. Do this several days in advance.
Stay up for your teen to come home, and let them know you will be waiting.
Talk to your older kids to make sure they wont be buying alcohol for your teen.
Let your kids know you are available to come pick them up if they feel the driver is too drunk to drive, or if they are too drunk to drive. No questions asked. You want them to feel comfortable calling you, and not afraid of getting into trouble.
And most lastly, talk to your teens before prom. Let them know your concerns, how dangerous it is to drink and drive, the laws and consequences of a DUI, the importance of graduation, and the irresponsibility of popular teen practices.
Some Statistics:
- Alcohol is the #1 youth drug problem [Center for Substance Abuse Prevention (CSAP), 1996]; it kills six times more people under 21 than all other illicit drugs combined. [Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation (PIRE), Ted Miller, Ph,D.]
- 70% of teens killed on prom weekends are not wearing seatbelts. [NHTSA]
- Teen deaths as a result of drinking and driving escalate significantly near both prom and graduation.
- Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death and injury in teenagers nationwide. [Centers for Disease Control (CDC)]
- About 5,000 people under the age of 21 die each year as a result of underage drinking, 1,900 of those deaths are from auto accidents.
- About one in three high school students has been a passenger in a car driven by someone who had consumed alcohol.
- 78% of High School upperclassmen had their first drink before the age of 16.
- During a typical Prom weekend 40% of traffic deaths of 15-20 year olds were alcohol related.
Resources:
Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD)
Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD)
Boaters Against Drunk Driving (BADD)
Impaired Driving Facts – NCIPC
DUI.Com
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My Child’s Using. Now What?
Posted by: | CommentsJeffrey Jannarone is a retired Sergeant with a New Jersey State Law Enforcement Agency. Mr. Jannarone is on numerous alcohol and drug committees, and is currently working as a private consultant in both criminal and civil matters involving alcohol and other dangerous drugs. For any additional information feel free to contact this author by email at JPJANNARON@AOL.COM.
Every parent has a fear of discovering that their child is in danger. Our creator provided each of us with five major senses: sight, hearing, touch, smell, and taste. But the most important sense, for parents anyway, is the easiest to ignore. I’m talking about the sixth sense.
The sixth sense has difficulty in pinpointing exactly what is going on. I explain it as the sense that uses some, or all, of the major five senses together, in order to identify something that these individual senses could not detect or explain by themselves. The sixth sense is that “Gut” feeling that something is very wrong. So please learn to utilize it, someone’s life may depend on it.
So how did you come to suspect something is wrong with your child? Usually, this is easy to answer. They are acting “abnormally.” But what is abnormal? Well, technically, ANYTHING that is not normal for your child is abnormal. Perhaps this abnormality is a change in eating habit, a change in friends, depression, hyperactivity, or a wide range of other behaviors. Does this mean your child is using a dangerous substance? Not necessarily. But it is an indication to look deeper. As with heart disease and skin cancer, early detection is the key to curing substance abuse. Don’t let your suspicions go unaddressed.
So what does one do to get help? For starters, don’t follow the crowd. Most people begin gathering advice from friends and acquaintances. This can be a waste of precious time, as most of this advice is opinion based. Many intelligent and well intentioned people are grossly overconfident in their understanding of substance abuse issues. As with most important things in life, the tempting “common sense” approach will create more problems than solutions. Fortunately there are several agencies that can play an integral role in your qualified education, and family assistance. These agencies vary in their scope of assistance, but in totality they all are here to help.
One of the best resources is usually the least tapped for help; Local Law Enforcement. Local law enforcement can provide valuable information about drug and alcohol trends in your community. Trends can vary wildly, even if the towns border one another. Local law enforcement typically is in touch with your local realities since they respond to domestic calls for assistance, break up parties, and make arrests of users and dealers. I always suggest reaching out to a friendly and informed local police officer for information; this may help you identify what your sixth sense is telling you. Moreover, if the police can show you what the abused substances look like, you may have already seen them in your home and not even realized their use!
OK, I understand one’s apprehension to use law enforcement. “What if they arrest my child?” ask many desperate parents. In my career I have never met a parent that truly wanted to harm their child, and an arrest is probably your last wish. But let not your heart be troubled. Kids under the age of 18 aren’t “arrested”, they are “treated”. The punitive arm of the juvenile justice system is reserved for repeat and/or violent criminals. Conversely, substance abusers are looked upon as patients in need of assistance and guidance. The juvenile justice system can provide you with the structure and resources you need to get a handle on your child. Plus, it allows you to join forces with local law enforcement, and hopefully erect that safety net around your struggling kid.
So who else can you utilize if you need help? Well, Monmouth and Ocean County, N.J. -where I have my practice- have some of the best substance abuse assistance in New Jersey. Many other states will have similar resources. The three in this area that readily come to mind are: the New Jersey Prevention Network, Prevention First, and Alcoholism and Drug Abuse Council of Ocean.
About NJPN (New Jersey Prevention Network):
NJPN is an incorporated organization composed of 19 independent, non-profit corporations with offices in each of New Jersey’s 21 counties. NJPN ensures that member agencies have high quality standards as part of a connected system of professional services for the prevention of alcohol, tobacco, drug abuse and other related issues. Our staff works with Municipal Alliances, schools, DARE officers, family court, mental health agencies, local governments and many other constituent groups in each county.
All NJPN member agencies offer programs and services that have a common goal of reducing the incidence and prevalence of alcoholism, addiction and related problems through primary prevention efforts. The network refers those needing and requesting help for their own or another individual’s problems related to use and abuse of alcohol, tobacco and other drugs to an appropriate established organization or center that most closely meets their needs. Each NJPN member agency also operates a resource center that provides information and resources to professionals and residents in their county.
Contact: New Jersey Prevention Network 150 Airport Road, Suite 1400 Lakewood, New Jersey 08701 732-367-0611 or 866-FOR-NJPN E-Mail: info@njpn.org
About Prevention First:
Prevention First is a non-profit agency dedicated to strengthening the foundations of children and families by empowering them to successfully handle difficult, everyday life situations and extraordinary challenges such as violence and substance abuse. They are committed to improving the lives of children so they can thrive and grow to be strong, responsible individuals in any community. Prevention First is an advocate for change, a provider for substance abuse and violence education, and a proponent of healthy lifestyles. They work to minimize the incidence and impact of substance abuse and to counterbalance its negative impact on society. Prevention First also provides high quality programs that equip children with fundamental tools to help them make the right choices throughout their childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood.
Contact: Prevention First
1405 Highway 35
Ocean, New Jersey 07712
Phone 732 663 1800
Fax 732 663 1698
Email mpangelini@preventionfirst.net
Web: www.preventionfirst.net
About Alcoholism and Drug Abuse Council of Ocean (ADACO)
ADACO is a private non-profit corporation whose primary mission is to reduce the incidence and prevalence of alcoholism, and other drug related problems. ADACO encourages primary prevention, early intervention and effective treatment of alcoholism and other drug addictions. ADACO also identifies areas of need and important issues in the community, while providing quality programs and promotional activities that raise public understanding and recognition of addiction. They also offer bilingual services. In addition to acting as a public advocate and source of information and education, ADACO provides consultation and treatment referral services for those directly affected by, or involved with, individuals experiencing problems relating to alcohol, tobacco, drug abuse and other addictive behaviors.
Contact: Alcoholism and Drug Abuse Council of Ocean, Inc.
1195 Route 70, Suite 2010
Lakewood, NJ 08701
Phone (732) 367-5515 Fax: (732) 367-0975
email: info@adaco.org
Office Hours: Monday through Thursday 9-5, Friday 8-4
Counseling Center
1064 South Main St., (Route 9)
Suite 2B
West Creek, NJ 08092
Phone (609) 597-9601 Fax (609) 978-0874
As a former police officer I have experienced many families in need. I hope this article is useful to you or perhaps someone you know who is going through a family hardship. The most important things to realize are; to get an education for yourself from a reputable source, learn how to help yourself along with your family, and learn how to take effective action. The above sources can provide all of those needs for you and your family. I hope you never need to use these skills, but if that need arises you will be prepared to take the appropriate actions needed.
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Mom, Did you use drugs?
Posted by: admin | Comments (1)How can a “bad example” actually reinforce positive choices? Well, fortunately for us, its actually a very natural and effective process. Most of us look to the mistakes made by our fellow family members as opportunities to learn. In that vain, mistakes aren’t just unavoidable, they’re indispensable. Every time our children disappoint us, they present us with an opportunity to shape future behavior. By discussing the mistake in detail, we take the first crucial step towards the development of a solution, and the prevention of future mistakes. The same is true for our own mishaps.
Very often, those who harbor guilty feelings about their past, instinctively try to conceal the experience from those who view them as role models. This instinct is borne more out of personal embarrassment, than out of a well-grounded concern for the impact it could have upon one’s children. Done properly, your disclosure can make a big difference in the life of your child, and it can even enhance your status as mentor. With a little planning and perspective, those skeletons in the closet can actually be empowering for both you and your child.
While cautioning to be mindful of age appropriate content, most experts advocate honesty and open disclosure between parents and their children; even on the topics that you may find difficult to discuss. There are several benefits to this technique. Primarily, it establishes and maintains an open rapport with your child. If you want to be able to candidly discuss difficult subjects as a family, you need to maintain an environment that supports such a dialogue. Its just not realistic to expect kids -particularly teens- to share with you, if you aren’t sharing with them. Also, by demonstrating honesty with regard to your own life, and taking responsibility for your own mistakes, you set an example for the young ones that look up to you.
So how do you spin it? Well, the wish of all parents is that our children will grow to inherit a better world, a better future and a better life than that which we ourselves have enjoyed. This desire is not an insult to our own experience, but rather an expression of love for our kids, and an acknowledgment of the investment that we parents make in the raising of our children. We want the best for them, and we want to help them achieve it. Not surprisingly, kids have the same wish…to live better than their parents, and to enjoy life to the fullest. Seizing upon this common interest is your first step.
Now a dash of hope. One of the most motivating concepts is that which expresses hope for a better future. Few vistas are more inspiring than those which envision a better society, an increasingly enriched culture, a future with less heartache, and a country where more human potential is realized. These concepts can actually be very alluring to teens, many of whom naturally embrace idealities and acknowledge their role in shaping the future. Just 15 years after stepping foot on the planet, most teens believe that they know better, and can do it better than their old fuddy-duddy parents. Use your own experience as an example of something they can do better – and be proud of. Take the opportunity to review the costs of health care, criminal justice resources, child abuse and lost human potential currently attributed to substance abuse in America. Challenge them to correct the mistakes that so many previous generations have failed to. (These statistics are readily available on our website.)
But you turned out ok? If you’re past included drug abuse, you shouldn’t have trouble finding examples of negative side-effects. Broken relationships, poor grades, dreams that never were…drug abuse invariably exacts opportunity costs upon those who could have spent their time, effort and money more wisely. If you were fortunate enough to avoid death, destruction or addiction, you surely know of an acquaintance who did not. Moreover, there are ample statistics on mortality, addiction, disease and psychopathy that demonstrate the clear link between substance abuse -including underage drinking- and the darker side of life.
In another example-setting exercise, you could take the opportunity to acknowledge the contributions that your past actions may have had upon the current state of affairs. If your generation is currently suffering due to substance abuse issues, as all of our’s are, it could be very bold of you to openly explore your own role in causing that problem. Ownership is a key aspect of progress. We take ownership of our past mistakes the same way we would try to own a small piece of any present sociological or environmental issue in need of reform. Past drug use inevitably exerted peer pressure on others and helped to finance the spread of alcohol advertising, illegal drug distribution etc.. Regardless of how small your role, you were either part of the problem, or part of the solution. Help your child understand the difference, and take ownership of their own acts.
While there’s no need to invent a past history of substance abuse, there’s certainly no need to hide from it. Using these tips as a starting point, there is little doubt that you can masterfully use your own mistakes to illuminate a better path for both you and your kids.
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