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What’s Going on in Their Head?

This is a fascinating subject, one focussed on by several good books. Suffice it to say that for our current purposes, it is enough to point out that our teenager’s brains have recently re-enlisted in a battle against the world as they see it….or thought they saw it. Just as when they were a toddler, taking their first steps and saying their first words, teenagers are themselves encountering new abilities and struggling with new challenges. Identity and autonomy rise to the forefront of their concerns, as our young-ones realize that they are no longer who they thought they were, and neither is anyone else.

The brain is growing, the body is changing, hormones are raging and social circles are swirling. Both at home and school, they are expected to be more self-reliant than ever before. Teacher to student ratios drop, time spent with parents decreases, and independent time with friends increases. Dating often begins, or advances at this time, and some teens even acquire their own source of income. What were clearly established lines of status, responsibility and capability, just a year or two prior, have now become blurred. Struggling to make sense of it all, many teens latch on to a self perception that conflicts with their parent’s role as teacher, protector and yes…authoritarian. It’s a good thing that parents are immune to this kind of inner turmoil isn’t it? Well not so fast…

That Parental Paradox

Parents too, begin to struggle during these times. After all, it’s confusing for us as well. Sure, we were teenagers once, but that doesn’t count because…well, we were teenagers at the time. As parents now, we know that the lines are moving in our family, but we really don’t know where they will end up. In reality, we’re readjusting our roles as parents at the same time that our kids are readjusting their roles as autonomous human beings. Its not unusual for us to be wrestling over this new phase of parenthood, and to be doubting the positions that we take on the more difficult issues. These doubts are as natural and forgivable as are your children’s. And it’s O.K. to change your mind every now and then. Its a process that the two of you have to work out together. The important thing here is to make sure that you retain administrative privilege over these new roles in your home. We need to be responsive to the changes that our kids are going through, but none of us can allow the all powerful, all knowing fourteen-year-old to define our role as parent. And they will try to do just that.

Beware Your Own Weaknesses

There has been a great deal of professional commentary elucidating the broken path that some parents take once confronted by the natural changes of teenage life. Oftentimes, this commentary is fueled by a media report of a parent hosting a keg party, providing drugs to their children, or just turning a blind eye to inappropriate behavior. Most commonly, the parents involved in these circumstances are suffering from an inability to cope with the increasingly complex role of parenthood. They lack the confidence or know-how to maintain a firm leadership role through their children’s teenage years. As the adolescent period approaches, their children begin to distance themselves and diversify their interests. Though this “branching out” is completely natural, some parents internalize it as an assault upon their own status and self confidence. Desperately trying to preserve the parent/child relationship, along with their own sense of self, the parent morphs into the ‘friend’. All too often, this ‘friend’ compromises values, and even abets inappropriate behavior, in an attempt to be embraced as cool. For some, its easier to suffer the threat of a failed and needy child, than to face one’s own failures and insecurities. For others, its seems easier to let them do what they want, than to worry about your own kids them trying to outsmart you. Of course, it doesn’t have to be. (click here)