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Text Some Humor

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I just got a new car for my spouse. What a great trade!

My husband doesn’t need the gym. He gets enough exercise just pushing his luck.

Oh Lord, give me patience. GIVE IT TO ME NOW LORD!

Hey, how does Teflon stick to the pan anyway?

You know there are 3 kinds of people in this world: those who can count & those who can’t.

My son’s got it figured out. Hard work pays off in the future. But laziness pays off now.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

I’d like to talk about my own childhood memories, but they were all ruined by my childhood.

When I die I wanna go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

I just read that 93.4% of statistics are made up on the spot.

My doctor says that a clear conscience is the best sign of a failing memory.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Plan to be spontaneous.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

Most conclusions simply mark the place where you got tired of thinking.

All generalizations are false.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Headline: “Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.”

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

Hey! Your village called. Their idiot is missing.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats? I mean hello? How about a parachute.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

I came home today and saw other women yelling at my mother-in-law to get lost. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

If the economy is slowing down, how come it’s so hard for me to keep up with it?

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.